I pride myself the master of words
I bend and shape them to my will
Soften harsh blows into devastating kiss
Sharpen the edge of a lover's embrace
I dance with surrender beneath controlled poise
I dress my fears in metaphors
Spin tales designed to captivate
Turn your evenings into heady nights
You call me your little storyteller
Ask for more, always more
Yet I waver,
there are words I must never utter
For once they are free,
you cease to be
I am exceptionally good at goodbyes,
But not at what comes after
Not the silence, nor the longing
I keep returning to the point before the goodbye
Hoping to rewriting the ending
Wishing that goodbye is not the end
But beginning to another chapter
A happier one perhaps
That would expel the need for another goodbye
But maybe I am too good at goodbyes
Because I keep returning to it again and again
Always forgiving the reason for the goodbye
Forgetting that some people don't deserve a second, or a third, or forth or tenth chances
Yet, I kept giving out goodbyes
Like it didn't mean anything
But it cost everything to me
For each goodbye took a piece of me
That was never returned at the next hello
And at the tenth hello, I was left hollow
Almost see through, till I finally whispered the last goodbye
If I was a note in a bottle
Drifting, lost at sea
You would be the fisherman
That fished me out of the depth
And brought me safely to shore
You spent hours trying to uncork
The small glass bottle that holds me
Curiosity and excitement gleaming in your eyes
Gently you took me out freed me from my prison
Spread over a wooden table, carefully scrutinised
You stood pondering at the dark ink staining my yellowing parchment
Your forehead scrunched, brows furrowed
face lined with incomprehension
As you desperately try to decipher the frantic scrawling you don't recognise
Your curiosity ebbed
Failing that you angrily tossed me in a drawer carelessly left open
And I wish I had remained lost at sea
For what good is a note found but not understood
A love found but gone to waste
Loving you is like slow burn
that rages beneath an icy stature
I gave you my all my passion my love
While you stand there unfeeling
Running your hands all over my bare body
Every word, every story that I confide in you
When i am at my most vulnerable
I watch you turn them into bullets
Firing at me when i am down
Loving you is like tying up my hands, blindfold my eyes, locking my mouth and handing you the keys
All i can do is smile and nod at every word you say
Validating your every fantasy yet never sharing mine
One misstep one wrong word
And you threaten me with you absence
The frost in your eyes the cold shoulder you bare
As you made me believe i couldnt be me without you
Couldnt live, couldnt even breathe
Without your permission, your decree
As if I live to fulfill your every desire, your whims
Everytime we were together, it is marked with blood stains on the white sheets
As if a prophecy, foretelling what a distruction we would be
Yet, here i stand unafraid as my autonomy is stripped from me
Naked and crying I force myself to look at me
Why do I let you do this to me
Where is my self worth and self respect
How do I hate myself so much that i carry all the blame and all the shame
When what i should have done is throw it in your face and walk away
What do I do now that my world view no longer filters through the lens of you
I think I finally realise
I had been grieving from the very first day i met you
The weight was insurmountable
I could not understand
The ache in my heart
The tears that wont stop
The longing for you
While im asking you to go away
I think i finally understood
The weight was all the love i felt for you
But i knew i could never express
Its all the ways i wish i could love you
And be loved by you
But it could not be
Because that would be wrong...
I have torn the list from my book
But its not that easy to separate you from my heart
I still keep the torn pieces
But i am not adding to it anymore
I think i am finally ready to let go...
I am blessed by the sin of knowing you,
Yet, I wouldn't change a single thing
Even when knowing how you taste meant I will be judged and condemned
If I had to do it all again...
I would still lean on your shoulder that fateful night, watching the night sky
Blanketed with stars that compete to match the twinkle in your eyes,
I would still admire that beautiful curve of your smile,
Still run my fingers through your soft tousled brown curls
I would still surrender to my desires and drown in your fiery passion,
Even when the price I have to pay is very own soul,
I would gladly get lost in your eyes as you greedily snatch moan after moan from my throat,
I would kiss every contour of your face, your body, especially in that damned baby blue shirt, half unbuttoned as you recline unbothered on that chair,
I never knew peace before I knew you,
And swear I wouldn't change a single thing...
Knowing you had changed me in most profound ways that I am still discovering,
You let me know you and therefore know myself...
Like a snake he slithered
Unseen he follows me around
Like darkness I can feel him creeping
His weight, a constant presence
His beady eyes staring, judging from behind my back
He listens in on all my conversations
Never uttering a single word
But i feel him getting heavier
As I turn to you and flirt
He weighs a ton now
And I keep dragging him around
Everytime I meet you
I returned even more slouched
Unable ro shoulder the unbearable weight
I began looking for ways to run and hide
Knowing soon I need to cut him off but that means
I couldn't find my way back to you
Loss between the object of my desire
And the compass that guides my soul
I remained... unable to step in either direction
Trapped, the serpent tighten its coil around me
The force of it continues to crush me
Now, I can barely breathe
So I cut it off
Stabbed a knife in it and twisted savagely
Yelped in shock as the pain froze me
I didnt realise how deep it has ingratiate itself in me
But i continue digging in and carving out every single piece
Flesh, bone, capillaries and all
Consumed by agony
